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Imagine you’re going to hold a dog show in your own backyard. You'd want to emulate all those big name dog shows you’ve gone to over the years, right? Follow along with me now as I share details of how I'd go about throwing a dog show that would have the ‘feel’ of some shows I’ve attended in my life:

First, I'm going to plant a tree in the middle of the show ring. I’m going to let it grow nice and big and a week before the show, I’ll yank it out of the ground, roots and all. The resultant hole will be sodded over so that exhibitors won’t know of its existence until they step into it during a ring pattern, preferably at high speed. Expert grounds men will be on hand to rappel down into the hole to recover exhibitors and their dogs.

Each ring will include tent stakes and rope extending 16 feet into the ring -- well in the path of any ring pattern. Though at present, I’m unsure of what type of rope to use, I’m leaning towards something that is exceedingly difficult to see and has enough ‘give’ in it to THWACK exhibitors on their behinds as they fall over it.

Since I don’t anticipate rain, I won’t bother with an actual tent, but in order to recreate the inevitable drenching that occurs when a tent collects rainwater and leaks prodigious amounts of it, expert grounds men will be standing ringside with buckets to drench exhibitors and their dogs with water at appropriate moments. Every effort will be made to direct the most water at the OES, Puli’s, Poodles, Beardies, Afghans and Bichons while scarcely a drop will touch the Salukis, Pointers, Labs or Beagles.

And since the show site IS at my house, I’d like to be in charge of scheduling to ensure quality control. This means that heavily coated black dogs will show at high noon under a relentless sun and the Chinese Crested Hairless, MinPins and other nekkid dogs can count on an early judging time of, say, 4:00 am.

I’m scheduling all white and long haired dogs to show on a dirt surface. Every effort will be made to dredge up enough clay soil to duplicate a consistency of dirt that won't wash out, blow out or brush out. When hit with water, it will resemble brown glue and will be as hard to remove. A dusting of ultra fine soil with the texture of cornstarch will cover aisle floors. Particle size is extremely important and every attention will be given to soil that becomes airborne easily and works its way into exhibitors’ nasal and auditory passages with ease. Success will be measured by how brown Kleenex becomes when blown into by a runny nose.

I'm inviting all local families with small children to spectate. Strollers and sticky candy will be distributed at the door. Bright red Kool-aid will be free and plentiful and toddlers will be encouraged to circulate among the dogs.

My old vegetable garden will be set aside for the grooming area and each exhibitor will be assigned a space measuring approximately 3' x 4', or about the size of a clothes closet. Since X-pens won't be allowed, crates must be stacked; High Chinook winds that sometimes blow through my property dictate that there be a height restriction on stacked crates of 60' (or 42 crates set atop each other). Expert grounds men will be on hand with Cherry Pickers to extract dogs from the highest crates. I might advise everyone to keep a "heads up" while in the grooming area, and let’s be good neighbors here by keeping an eye out for swaying towers of crates. Several feet in either direction might warrant a friendly warning.

We're going to need show catalogs and while I think $19 per catalog sounds about right, we need to make sure that the typeface is exceedingly small and filled with errors that provide comic relief: To wit, the dog whose name is "Kennel Name Great Balls of Fire" would actually be listed as "Kennel Name Great Balls On Fire."

No show site would be complete without a bright blue Porta-Potty. Clean and mobile, one unit will be available to all show participants, 2.7 miles away from the show site. Coincidentally, this is also where show photographs will be taken.

I'm pretty excited about the concessions stand. Unrefrigerated hot dogs and Pepsi One will be available first thing in the morning, while coffee and jalapeno donuts should be ready by lunch. One trash can filled to capacity will be set up conveniently close by, which, as it turns out, is also where the show photographs will be taken.

Parking will be plentiful -- just use my neighbors' driveways. Expert grounds men will be on hand to break up disputes and offer vague directions to the show ring. Though the main route to the show rings is gravelly and bumpy, it IS long and arduous. Exhibitors will be encouraged to use their wheels on this same route, as will show committee members who will speed by effortlessly in their golf carts as they ferry judges to their destinations.

Poop-scooping kids will be hired to toss 12 cubic yards of sawdust onto a puddle left behind by an excitable Chihuahua puppy. Did I mention that the exercise area is also the only access long coated dogs have to get to the rings?

There will be electricity! One outlet will be available to 2400 exhibitors.

I'm so sure that my show will be a success, that I'm considering plans to add obedience and agility rings next year. Input from complete novices will be welcomed!