Alas – this is no longer as relevant as it was when Dick submitted it to us for the January/February BU, which was never published because my sickly old computer finally went to Cyberheaven. But like everything Dick writes, it’s still pretty funny…in a warped kind of way. Ed.

Here I am in lovely Michigan, lapsing into the usual winter funk, but with a significant difference from the norm. Outside, temperatures are in the fifties, my front lawn is as green as it is in April. Squirrels are looking at each other with quizzical expressions. In the face of all this, I have this foreboding feeling. Mama Nature is saving up for an enormous kick in the gazatz. Once such a kick is delivered, what are the options for us dog show addicts to occupy our time until Spring makes its reluctant debut. Going to a dog show is, to say the least, a dicey proposition in this neck of woods. Sure there are some shows coming up soon in Niagara Falls but we all know to what Niagara Falls is quite near (dare we say Buffalo?). It's difficult to pack a snowmobile in the back of a van.

And yes, there are a few more shows, such as Detroit Kennel Club and Chicago International. My feelings regarding benched shows, however (shared by many other self-indulgent exhibitors), makes it as likely we will be attending those shows as we will be attending a bar mitzvah in Baghdad.

Then of course there is hoity-toity, whoopty-do Westminster, the greatest dog show money can buy. To the average Joe, excluding the one named Garagiola, this is their only exposure to dog shows. While it’s great theater, it sure ain't dog showin’ like I know it. We have shown at Westminster once and that was more than sufficient.

But I digress. We are in the process of examining options for passing time until the lotus blooms and the voice of the turtle is heard in the land (that sounds almost biblical). Anyway, I offer the following for your consideration:

STUDYING EASTERN METAPHYSICAL PHENOMENA

First off, close your eyes and gimme a few Ummm's. Now that you’ve taken the edge off, assume the Lotus position and keep those Ummm's coming. Now slowly open your eyes and spend the next hour contemplating your navel. Next, hold your breath until everything starts to become distant and all thoughts of dog shows vanish from your mind. Inhale. Dang!!! Doesn't that feel good? You will find this exercise very relaxing but also the acquired skills will prove useful while watching any class being judged at ABC in which you have no dog entered.

STUDYING PEDIGREES

This is the time of the year where there is sufficient time to conduct a pedigree study and research of great intensity. My wife is the researcher in our family. Over the past several winters she has traced the lineage of our line of Boxers to a dog in Germany in Northern Westphalia. His name was Tazbootenderschnottoutenderbullnomenklaus. Actually this turned out to be a title rather than a name. Translated it means "Taz Who Kicked The Schnott Out Of The Bull Named Klaus." She subsequently learned that Taz, in a later bout, lost on a TKO to a young bull called SonnaKlaus. (Yes Virginia, there is a SonnaKlaus.)

UPDATING YOUR DOG SHOW TACK BOX

The time is upon us to undertake a noxious task, cleaning out the tack box and restocking supplies. It's time to throw out two fourth place ribbons from the summer of '87, a third place ribbon from ‘91 and a ribbon of undetermined color which has become stuck to the bottom of the box in a morass of spilled baby oil, three layers of cornstarch and a gob of Vaseline. Also headed for the trash are three empty bottles of Visene, two tubes of eye shadow, four black grease pencils and numerous pieces of chalk of varying shapes and sizes. Saved from the depths of the deepest recesses is a half-empty bottle of gin (for snakebites), as well as several Q-tips which appear to be growing out of the box itself. Once all the cleaning is complete, you must live with the fact that it’s going to take at least ten shows to find where you put everything.

It takes courage and dedication to make it through this season of the living hell. If you make use of all this information, chances are good you can make it to warm spring breezes without becoming obsessive or incoherent.